Why do I never hear when they publish this stuff?

Books, books.... My Amazon Wishlist has just gotten a bit fatter, giving me even more stuff that I can pine for and not afford to buy. "The BBook of Geek" sounds hilarious and probably extremely tangent-inducing, particularly if it's half as comprehensive as suggested in this Ars Technica review. But I will be extremely annoyed if they don't have some mention of Starblazers...

But even the BBook of Geek must bow to the marketing brilliance of "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies", the perfect gift for wives, girlfriends, and Jane Austen fans everywhere.

"Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" features the original text of Jane Austen's beloved novel with all-new scenes of bone crunching zombie action.

Hey, it's a book my wife and I can both enjoy!

A Valentine from Darcy

Dearest Elizabeth,

You above all others know how I detest this day. That we should be expected to lavish gifts and sonnets upon our nearest relations for no other reason than expectation itself! How preposterous! How infuriating! (Your flowers and letter arrived promptly and in good condition, thank you).

And yet there is no escaping the added sorrow hanging over this day. Pemberley ceases to live in your absence, my love. My own heart beats more slowly, and my morning patrols want for their usual liveliness. Yesterday I happened on a small herd of unmentionables in the woods, and could not bring myself to remit them back to Hell. My darling, there is no joy in killing without you.

I hope your stay in Longbourn has been a pleasant one, and I pray you return with no shortage of alacrity. Do be vigilant, though – and keep your Katana near, as there have been frequent reports of trouble in Derbyshire.

Calvin & Hobbes say it like it is

Calvin & Hobbes perfectly sum up the current state of our economic difficulties:



(I found this shortly after reading an article on Fannie & Freddie, where it was mentioned that the director made a 14 million dollar/year salary. I'm sorry, but unless you're personally bringing peace to the middle east, NOBODY does enough work in a year to justify 14 million....)

Merry Christmas!

The Batman of Sheffield

This is British news, rather than French, but it's just plain cool for the holiday season:

Mystery surrounds "Batman of Sheffield"

Direct article link
(from the UK Telegraph)

By Matthew Moore
Last Updated: 12:18PM GMT 13 Dec 2008

The identity of a Sheffield benefactor who hides behind a Batman mask and a fake American accent remains unclear

Dubbed the "Christmas crusader", the real-life superhero has been spotted lending a hand at a soup kitchen, charity job and children's hospital in Sheffield.

But despite his good works and charitable donations totalling £10,000, the Yorkshire Batman's identity is as mysterious as his Gotham City counterpart.

He is known to be a local entrepreneur, but wears a mask at all times and speaks with a fake American accent.

"I don't want to reveal my identity because it's more important to highlight the charities," he told the Daily Express.

"I don't care if some people think I'm bonkers. If I inspire others to give their time and money to good causes this Christmas, it's been worth it.

"My message is that you don't need to be a superhero, or super wealthy, to give to deserving causes. If you can give cash, or toys, that's fantastic. The most precious gift of all is your time."

Batman helped stack shelves and man the tills at Bluebell Wood Children's Hospice charity shop in the city, where staff said that his presence sent takings through the roof.

"At first we thought he was a joker, but he turned out to be a true superhero," said one shop worker. "We're thinking of getting a Bat light installed so we can send him a signal whenever business is slow."

The Heart Attack Grill

People ask me what I miss about the states.

Insanity, that's what I miss...

France seems to me to be a very self-conscious country, very concerned to be taken seriously and where no one wants to risk looking foolish. Ergo, there is a distinct deficit in over-the-top lunacy of this particular American variety:







Gigantic quadruple-decker hamburgers served by "Naughty Nurses" with cigarettes and beer.

God bless America!

(Note - I did not believe these pics at first, figuring they must be Photoshop fakes. Oh, the burgers I could easily believe, but not the cigs ,not in today's world of inane anti-smoking freakout. Then I learned the place was in Arizona, and it all made sense. Go Midwest!)

"Your call is important to us!"

This has no connection to anything, but I wanted to post it because I thought it was hilarious. It's a TV commercial parody of what call centers are like... and pretty close to my mental image of them, too. How many classic TV and cinema robots can you spot?

The best election news so far

One can only wonder how much better McCain might have done if not for the appalling choice to run with this creature...

Big G

Who says Americans don't follow world events?

It's a common misconception that Americans don't follow world news. We're thought to be ignorant of international politics and events, but obviously this is wrong:

Misc Nonsense

It seems every blog eventually has to have at least one posting devoted to collections of silly tests and sillier test results from all over the net. Well, lacking a better subject, this is it. Enjoy, or tremble in fear, as the case may be...

(Oh, and today's photo is Emily on the streets of La Roche Bernard at Christmas, a couple of years ago)

You're a Total Grinch

Ouch! You make the Grinch seem like Santa Claus. Holidays definitely aren't your thing. Just relax, and create your own tradition. Even if it's drinking spiked hot chocolate and heckling carolers.

Are You a Grinch?

Why do I have such trouble in France? Apparently, it is because...

You Belong in Dublin

Friendly and down to earth, you want to enjoy Europe without snobbery or pretensions. You're the perfect person to go wild on a pub crawl... or enjoy a quiet bike ride through the old part of town.

What European City Do You Belong In?

But then again, I should be happy, because...

Your Life is 65% Perfect

Your life is pretty darn perfect. You don't have much to complain about. Of course, your life is occasionally less than perfect. But you're usually too happy to notice.

How Perfect is Your Life?

Fussy, fussy, fussy!

You Are 70% Perfectionist

You are a true perfectionist. You are both demanding of yourself and others. While it's great to have goals and standards, they don't need to be sky high!

Are You a Perfectionist?

This no doubt explains why I have the continuing urge to kill people wh0 type N "TXT sp3Ak"...

Your Vocabulary Score: A

Congratulations on your multifarious vocabulary! You must be quite an erudite person.

How's Your Vocabulary?

If the results of this next test are true, why do I have such trouble coming up with subjects for my blog postings?

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well. An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly. You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view. A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary. You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

This was just scary:

You Are Modernism

You tend to be oriented toward the future and technology. You like art that signals how the world might change in radical ways. As far as art goes, everything in the past is obsolete - and it's time to carve a new path. You prefer art that doesn't follow any rules - even if the art doesn't make much sense.

What Art Movement Are You?

Pretty accurate:

You Are 72% Brutally Honest

Most of the time, you tell it like it is. Even if it's hard for people to hear. Sometimes you hold back though, because you never want your honesty to be hurtful.

How Brutally Honest Are You?

This explains my fondness for caves and lurking in shadowy places:

You Are Batman

Billionaire playboy by day. Saving the world by night. And you're not even a true superhero. Just someone with a lot of expensive toys!

What Superhero Are You?

Like I didn't know this one already...

You are 93% Scorpio

How Scorpio Are You?

Who's my "Inner European"? I didn't even know what this meant, but was amused to find I'm Irish. Hey, it matches the Dublin destination above!

Your Inner European is Irish!

Sprited and boisterous! You drink everyone under the table.

Who's Your Inner European?

I'm in the wrong job:

You Should Be a Painter

You have the vision, patience, and skill to bring your unique visions to canvas. And you're even tempered enough not to cut your ear off in the process!

What Sort of Artist Should You Be?

And, finally.... I have no idea what this means, but I probably lost points for finding that "Proud to be an American" song extremely cheesy:

You Are 54% American

Most times you are proud to be an American. Though sometimes the good ole US of A makes you cringe Still, you know there's no place better suited to be your home. You love your freedom and no one's going to take it away from you!

How American Are You?

Translation Funnies

Here's a little random scene of downtown Herbignac taken back during the blue sky months, though, oddly enough, the skies are blue today too! It's been grey for so long now that it seems really weird.

My only update for today is this hilarious article by Charles Bremner. It's the definitions of popular terms, the French version! Charles' blog can always be counted on for both entertainment and insight, and it's just getting more and more interesting as the French presidential election approaches.

Parliament of Oddballs

We just attended the French science-fiction convention Utopiales, in Nantes, and I wrote a new article of stories and photos for our "French Adventures" website area. It was great fun, but I'll let anyone interested go and read the article, which goes into more detail.

Also, wonder upon wonders, I finally wrote our article "Four Years On", about our fourth year of life in France. It's only about six months late, but that's a good sign, in this case.

Back when we moved here, our friend Trish told me something very portentous. I'd said something to her about other expats, and she gave me the somber warning that most expats were, by and large, horrid. IIRC she commented that dark secrets were the norm. So, I've been curious as the years have passed to meet and observe other expats, and see what I think of them. And, by and large, I've come to agree with her.... people who go off to live in other countries are a weird bunch.

Not all of them, though - In fact, I can pretty much divide 95% of the expats I've encountered into a few simple categories: The Vacationers, The Posh, The Dreamers, The Retirees, and the Insane. I've spent a good bit of time recently on the Brittany forum for English speakers in France, and find I have virtually nothing in common with the majority of them. There are a few folks there that I like very much, but also some real wankers, and overall I've concluded that it isn't a forum that I'll ever participate in beyond the "information exchange" level - That is, where to find good prices on this, or best times to buy tickets for that, etc.

Anne from BlueVicar.com wrote me with this: "I am interested in your comments on community...or lack there of...amongst other expatriates. Just because someone hails from our homeland doesn't make them a pal, that's for sure. I often feel quite the opposite, but there does seem to be something about people who are willing to live abroad...and the way they see the world. I find it fascinating! The more stories I read, the more interested I become." I've found that the simple fact that someone has moved to another country is no guarantee I'll want to spend five minutes with them. Show me a fellow who has a full bookshelf collection of HP Lovecraft and it's hot odds we'll get on like a house afire, but introduce me to "This is So-and-So, who moved here from California, so you two have something in common" and I'm likely to regard the person more like a suddenly-discovered bodily growth.

I speak from experience. Truly, there are some expats, a very rare percentage, who are genuinely fascinating and intelligent and sane, but for the most part they tend to lump together like so:

The Vacationers
These people are in France for work. Yeah, I know that seems like the wrong term, but through their jobs they are essentially experiencing France as a vacation. Their corporation has transferred them here and paid all their expenses, plus probably handling the details of renting or buying them a house. This is not an experience of living in France, this is a paid vacation, and they very very often have really skewed views of just what France is, based on their blinkered experience of it. Tell-tale signs - Lots of talk about wine and cheese and how much paid vacation time they have here, coupled with random griping about anything that isn't like it was "back home".

The Posh
Wealthy, usually British folks who aren't really expats, they just have a "summer house" in Brittany. Easily identifiable by their Range Rovers and yacht club insignias, not to mention accents, no one in their right mind wants to get stuck at a party trying to talk to these people. Their view of France: A giant personal playground that exists to furnish them with good wine and cheese, if only they could do something about the "help".

The Dreamers
This is where, I hope, I fit best (either here or 'The Insane'). That narrow slice of the population that have their heads in the clouds and try to follow their dreams as best they're able. They're not stupid but usually also not rich, and if you luck into meeting one at an expat gathering you can be sure to have a good conversation.

The Retirees
France is in danger of becoming the UK's old age home. I'm amazed at the number of Brits I hear who want to retire to France. I barely survived the cultural transition at the flexible age of 36... Do these people have any clue what they're in for? Obvious signs - Grey hair, sandals and socks, and lots of overheard mumbling about the things they don't like in the UK these days. Amusingly, plenty of retired Brits seem to think that rural France will be more like the England of their youth. I say "amusingly" because, well, I'm usually amused to witness the results of this misapprehension.

The Insane
Yeah, Them. If you've been to any gathering of expats, you know them. Too bat-shit to be accepted at home, they've gone abroad hoping that their personal brand of lunacy won't be noticed as much in another language. Unfortunately, as expats they keep getting introduced to more expats like themselves, and their bizarre behavior finds fertile soil and just gets more entrenched. Crucial warning signs include tinfoil hats, furtive & obvious paranoia, and very loud and totally one-sided opinions on anything and everything under the sun, regardless of whether they actually know anything about said topic...

So, this is why I'm much more likely to be enthused when a French friend says, "Hey, let me introduce you to Pierre Marceau, you'll like him, he's a big fan of sci-fi films" than when someone says,"Hey, I have GOT to introduce you to this guy Bango Jinkers that lives near here, he's American too, and you're sure to have lots in common!" To which I say, "Yikes."

My Spam Story

Note - Today's post has absolutely nothing to do with life in France.....

Having a very long-standing commercial email address, I get about 300 spam emails per day. Recently, I've been marveling at the growing sophistication of the spam creation software, as it continues to try to insert random sentences and phrases into spam to fool filters into believing it is real email. Fortunately, I use Mailwasher and love it, and it easily filters all my mail to leave me with just what I want.

The best spam subject I ever received was titled "Welcome the Incorruptible Gopher Senate" (Incorruptible Gopher Senate would be a great name for a band...). With all these odd word arrangements, I began to wonder if it would be possible to assemble an entire story out of spam. I began to collect random lines from spam emails into one text file, and then assemble the sentences together. Before long, I had....well..... something....a story created entirely from sentences in spam email, now given life in assembled form like some loathsome Frankenstein creation. Thus, I present:


Baby, kill your envy
(A short story written entirely from spam)

Tuesday appeared alongside senator Mitch McConnell.
He said,”Has your stamina level been down of late? Are you still probing the objective of getting toned? All you need’s here! She wants a better sex. Any med for your girl to be happy! I clearly am, that is why i am gleeful. I lucked upon the undeliverable archaeologist. Be realistic – you always wanted it. Take advantage of this immediately, before it’s null.”

“I also will laugh at your calamity; I will mock when your fear cometh. Visit your aunt, but not every day of the year”

It was exceptional finally having someone to benefit me. I had become of the tribe, and the fitful purple lights were fluttering. The magnitude of this news cannot be overestimated. We had a clue now to the whereabouts of the alien artifact. A clue that was useless until we started looking. But we dallied with chauffeur adhesive, and there was no sign of Kim or the lama.

“They get mutated at the right place, where the flowers are always a-blowing. Pass close to one of their rabbit number. There is always symbolism involved. The boys resist -and the rite of passage helps this resistance. You would not know it, since you are untutored in science. Stand aside, to see the phantoms of those days go by.”, I said, meaning it to be a calm statement but listening to myself in horror. I had too much on my mind to drift off as easily as they did.

“What’s that in your back pocket?” he asked casually. “Just loose it and you’ll be re-born. You will see for yourselves.”
But he knew that it wasn’t lower taxes that reinstate death. He knew that millions upon millions of theory origins need Yet Another Paradigm Shift.

“It’s probably the most valuable thing in the Zone! And who should have it?”, I asked in a weak voice.

Kim lifted up his voice and wept outside the carriage and climbed into his own stall, growling in his beard. “I wish you only peace, oh strangers.”, he muttered. “Don’t miss Potassium Bicarb & Chloride, It’s as fresh as they come and is so tight.”

‘He spoke of these?’, asked the senator, mumbling over the cakes that Kim offered. Of course he knew that much, as he had known all evil since the acetone campground. His eyes filled with tears.

‘Assuredly. Else why should we come?”, said the lama, and They all unloosed their Buddhist invocation - “Up! Feel life spirit! Evil vampire out! Discontinue grasping the postal address!”

The senator had latched onto woman’s waist, but they unloaded it into the market where almost anything could be sold. They could not understand what it was, and ignorance meant fear.

“Blimey, it was lucky you thought of a Buddhist invocation! She’ll worship you for that!”, said George in a low voice. I nodded.
“Do you know what Im talking about?”
“No. But I have read my mythology. Its better that you see the rest. Finish your story, and go."

So - End of story.

Turnabout is Fair Play

Yesterday I posted a joke about how French people speak English. Thankfully, my French friends all found this funny rather than insulting, and have not stormed the house with torches (yet). Since I got away with that, I will try offering up a really funny link about our German friends too!

Amidst all this language silliness, I should note that tomorrow I start official regular French lessons with our village friend Claudie, which I hope will be a help in my mangling of français. A little at a time...

For fairness and equal humor for all, here are some of my favorite jokes about Americans:
_________________________

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in 0 gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

_________________________

Q: What do Americans call a TV set that goes five years without need of repair?

A: An import.

__________________________

Q: What do you call a person who speaks 3 languages?
A: Tri-Lingual.
Q: What do you call a person who speaks two languages?
A: Bi-Lingual.
Q: What do you call a person who speaks one language?
A: American!

Joke of the Day

"Bonjour!", dit les hommes aux FumeursdePipe.

Who, I suspect, will never speak to me again after I post this joke. But, I want to stress immediately that this was sent to me by a French person, so don't blame me!! :)

Un petit test proposé lors d'un entretien d'embauche...

Trois personnes sont convoquées pour un  entretien d'embauche en Angleterre.

Au moment de tester leur maîtrise de la  langue anglaise, le recruteur leur
dit :

"Faites-moi une phrase avec les 3  mots suivants :green, pink, yellow. "

C''est d''abord le Belge qui se lance :

"I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana, a  green pepper and in
the evening I watch the Pink Panther on  TV".

C''est ensuite au tour de l''Allemand :

"I wake up in the morning, I see the yellow sun, the  green grass and I
think to myself: I hope it will be a pink  day".

Enfin, le Français s'avance et dit :

"I wake up in ze mornink, I hear ze phone: «green.....green...green»... And
I pink up ze phone and I say  «Yellow?»"

It's CriSp!

Long, thoughtful posts are on hold for the moment while we work frantically on finishing up new pipes to try and get caught up with our money, but I wanted to toss out this one bit of inexplicable Frenchness that still leaves me baffled - the refusal? inability? confusion? over the proper pronunciation of the word "crisp". When we bought our microwave, the sales lady pointed out that it had a "crips"-ing function... presumably meaning that it could transform your TV dinners into minature LA gang members, if required. We looked at the front of the thing, and it clearly said "crisp" on it, but she kept saying "crips". At the time, we assumed that she just had a speech impediment, but over the course of three years of habitation here, we've found that everyone French says "crips" when they pronounce "crisp". Even the TV ads do it, and it's really weird to hear a professional announcer mispronouncing such a common word. I expect that the French get an equal cringe whenever they hear English TV referring to PariS instead of Paree, but that's just the anglicized pronunciation of the word - correct as the language goes. The S and P letters aren't inverted (to my knowledge) in other French words, which leaves me wondering whether this strange quirk is some bit of French y00thspeak that has crept into daily lingo.
Probably a lot more meandering than that bit of silly fluff was worth....

Panoramic Bretagne, PC Games, and Star Bores

This morning our friend Marie-Blanche sent us a link to Bretagne Panoramique, an extraordinary site that offers scrolling panoramic 360 degree views from locations all along the coast of Brittany. For those friends of ours who visit here occasionally, maybe this will bring back happy memories during the bleak winter months! There are lots of nice views to be seen, if anyone wants an idea of what our little part of the world looks like.
In summer, at least...

The dark, rainy winters aren't all bad, though. We're getting a little chance to play some PC games together now that all the Christmas gifts are off and away to the wonderful world of transatlantic shipping. I am one of those gamers who bemoans the disappearance of the traditional adventure game, or rather, the transformation of the term "adventure game" from meaning a plot-heavy, puzzle-heavy game that required lots of thinking.. into a running and shooting game that requires finding the right keys to open the next doors. Some of my all-time favorites -
Sam & Max Hit the Road
All the Gabriel Knight games
The Longest Journey
and, of course, Dark Fall

One could be forgiven for not recognizing the latter title, as it is a small, indie-production brainchild of one man, Jonathan Boakes. It may also be the scariest horror-themed game I've ever played. I do not mean this in the Resident Evil-sense of "drooling zombies chasing you in hundreds", but rather in the mood of "walking alone through a deserted railway station lobby, ancient wallpaper peeling from the walls, dust heavy in the air, and suddenly hearing the desk phone ring". It's eerie. It also has an excellent plot and a lot of creepy moments once the ghost-investigation really gets underway. One has to forgive the old-generation graphics and simple renderings - it is a low budget labor of love, after all, not the next million-dollar Playstation game.

Em and I have recently started Dark Fall 2 together and.... well, we're not so enthused so far. Unlike the atmospheric original, this one seems mostly dull, but then we're not that far into it, so I'll withhold judgement.

Speaking of judgement, we had the chance to see Star Wars 3: Revenge of the Marketing, and I'm glad we got to see it free! I am still angry to this day about being suckered into paying theater-ticket-money for Phantom Menace and that damned Jar Jar. The guys on TWiTcast summed it up best: "This is the one that sucks the least". That is, really, as good as I can go with the review. I know, I know, I've read all the raves and fan praise about how this one makes up for the other ones, etc, but the best I can say is that it was two+ hours of tolerable entertainment. On reflection (and after watching the much-more-enjoyable Mask of Zorro), the new Star Wars movies suffered badly from the simple lack of a Han Solo... Having all the lead characters be unflappable, always-calm Jedi Knights did a terrific job of corkscrewing the drama right out of the movies. If your heroes seem half-asleep in the middle of a blazing space battle, why should you, the viewer, care? So, we watched (once again) Hayden stumble his way through a lot of horrible acting and dialogue, hoping to come off as an anguished tragic hero and instead showcasing a whining teen brat. Obi-Wan was at least awake in this one, and Yoda was more fun. "Warned you we did. Now, screwed we all are." On the whole, it didn't hold a candle to the TV series Firefly. I hope someone realizes from this that it takes more than five billion CGI objects moving around the screen at one time to make an audience actually care about the characters.

For those who might have missed this bit of hilarity from Usenet in the 90's, I repost here the abridged script of the original Phantom Menace (Warning - This contains profanity. If you're going to get grouchy and write me angry emails about how it offends your delicate sensibilities, please go somewhere else now):

STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
>>>>
>>>>                        By Rod Hilton
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> FADE IN:
>>>>
>>>> INT. SPACESHIP
>>>>
>>>>                     LIAM NEESON
>>>>           It is vitally important we enter trade
>>>>           negotiations with the federation.
>>>>
>>>>                     EWAN MCGREGOR
>>>>           I agree.  This one planet and how it
>>>>           trades with other planets is certainly
>>>>           an important enough topic to be the
>>>>           entire plot of a Star Wars film.
>>>>
>>>> INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK
>>>>
>>>>                     EVIL ALIEN
>>>>           Werr.  What wirr we do now?  My evil,
>>>>           obviousry Asian race must prevair.  I
>>>>           wirr not face de Jedi.  Send de droid.
>>>>
>>>> INT. SPACESHIP - BACK TO THE JEDI
>>>>
>>>> A droid enters.
>>>>
>>>>                     LIAM NEESON
>>>>           I sense a disturbance in the force.
>>>>
>>>>                     EWAN MCGREGOR
>>>>           Well, shit.
>>>>
>>>> Suddenly, numerous pieces of CGI enter and begin
>>>> attacking the Jedi.  The Jedi use the high concentration
>>>> of midichlorians in their bodies to use the force to
>>>> destroy the CGI.  They run outside.
>>>>
>>>> EXT. NABOO
>>>>
>>>> They run until they smack into some more CGI.
>>>>
>>>>                     JAR JAR
>>>>           Who might you be?
>>>>
>>>>                     LIAM NEESON
>>>>              (staring in the general
>>>>                direction of Jar Jar, but
>>>>                not really staring at him)
>>>>           I am a Jedi.  There are bad things
>>>>           coming.  Take me to your homeland.
>>>>
>>>>                     JAR JAR
>>>>           I see.  That is quite interesting.  I
>>>>           will guide you to the land from which
>>>>           I have come.
>>>>
>>>> Suddenly, GEORGE LUCAS realizes the Jar Jar toys aren't
>>>> selling well enough.

> 

>>>>
>>>>                     JAR JAR (cont?d)
>>>>           Oh!  Meesa sorry!  Meesa ment to
>>>>           saysa: Weesa can go back to Jamaica
>>>>           mon, okeyday?
>>>>
>>>>                     EWAN MCGREGOR
>>>>              (staring at something right
>>>>                above Jar Jar)
>>>>           Good.  Do you have a hotel room for me
>>>>           and Liam?  We have..uh..Jedi business
>>>>           to attend to.
>>>>
>>>>                     JAR JAR
>>>>           Weesa can smokesa some ganja, mon.
>>>>
>>>>                     AUDIENCE
>>>>           Die.  Die, Jar Jar.  Nobody likes you.
>>>>
>>>> INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK
>>>>
>>>> The queen appears over some kind of thing which appears
>>>> to be better in technology than the kinds of things in
>>>> the original trilogy.
>>>>
>>>>                     NATALIE PORTMAN
>>>>           I am the queen. You've gone too far
>>>>           this time. I will tell the senate and
>>>>           you will be in a lot of trouble.
>>>>
>>>>                     EVIL ALIEN
>>>>           I'm so sorry, Amidala.
>>>>
>>>>                     NATALIE PORTMAN
>>>>           No, no, I'm Padme now.
>>>>
>>>>                     EVIL ALIEN
>>>>           I thought when in the makeup, you were
>>>>           the queen.
>>>>
>>>>                     NATALIE PORTMAN
>>>>           No, I'm whoever is playing the queen
>>>>           at the time.  The voice changes don't
>>>>           help you figure this out.
>>>>
>>>>                     EVIL ALIEN
>>>>           Stop trying to confoose me!  Droids,
>>>>           capture the queen.. or Padme.. er..
>>>>           just capture everyone!
>>>>
>>>> LIAM and EWAN and, fuck, JAR JAR too take NATALIE PORTMAN
>>>> and other members of her staff onto a ship and they
>>>> escape.  They go to Tatooine.
>>>>
>>>> INT. TATOOINE - SOME SHOP WHERE JAKE LLOYD IS HELD SLAVE
>>>>
>>>>                     JAKE LLOYD
>>>>           Hi there!  Golly I'm cute.
>>>>
>>>>                     NATALIE PORTMAN
>>>>           You certainly are, little boy.
>>>>
>>>>                     JAKE LLOYD
>>>>           I'm the only one disturbed by the fact
>>>>           that I'm gonna bone you in episode
>>>>           two?
>>>>
>>>>                     LIAM NEESON
>>>>           Jake, I need you to have a pod race so
>>>>           I can get the parts I need and free
>>>>           you.
>>>>
>>>>                     JAKE'S MOM
>>>>           No, I won't allow him to pod race.
>>>>           He'll get hurt.
>>>>              (pause)
>>>>           Ok, I will. Nevermind.  Good luck.
>>>>
>>>> They pod race.  It looks really COOL.
>>>>
>>>>                     GEORGE LUCAS
>>>>              (attempting subtlety)
>>>>           Oh! Look!  There's a video game of
>>>>           this scene... uh.. buy it!  Hey, I had
>>>>           to sacrifice a part of my grand vision
>>>>           for these movies to include a part
>>>>           that could be turned into a game, so
>>>>           buy it or I'll do it even more in
>>>>           episode 2.
>>>>
>>>> JAKE wins!  He has to leave his mother, which will become
>>>> very important in the next movie.  He also has to leave

> 

>>>> his protocol droid, THREEPIO.
>>>>
>>>>                     AUDIENCE
>>>>           He built C-3PO?  Why wasn't this ever
>>>>           mentioned in the original trilogy?
>>>>
>>>>                     GEORGE LUCAS
>>>>           Because I just made it up.  Speaking
>>>>           of stuff I'm just making up, how do
>>>>           you like the midichlorian bullshit I
>>>>           pulled out of my ass?
>>>>
>>>> They all get into their ship and go to Coruscant.
>>>>
>>>> INT. CORUSCANT - JEDI COUNCIL
>>>>
>>>>                     LIAM NEESON
>>>>           I want to train this boy.
>>>>
>>>>                     YODA
>>>>           Nope.  Sorry.  Too old the boy is.
>>>>           Clouded his future seems.  Vague my
>>>>           worries are.
>>>>
>>>>                     LIAM NEESON
>>>>           Well, he is the chosen one.  He will
>>>>           bring balance to the force.  I'm
>>>>           training him.
>>>>
>>>>                     SAMUEL L. JACKSON
>>>>           Yoda told you no, muthafucka.  What
>>>>           the fuck is wrong with you, bitchass?
>>>>           I'll fuckin' kill you! I'm gonna be a
>>>>           fuckin bad ass in the next two fuckin
>>>>           movies, you know.  My toy has a
>>>>           fuckin lightsaber.
>>>>
>>>>                     LIAM NEESON
>>>>           I'm going to go over your head and
>>>>           train him myself, then. So there.
>>>>
>>>> He exits.
>>>>
>>>> INT. GALACTIC SENATE MEETING
>>>>
>>>>                     IAN MCDIARMID
>>>>           Damn I'm evil.
>>>>
>>>> Suddenly, we see E.T!  This does not make the film HYPER-
>>>> CUTESEY like Return of the Jedi, but CLEVER.
>>>>
>>>> EXT. NABOO
>>>>
>>>>                     NATALIE PORTMAN
>>>>           I am either the queen or Padme now.
>>>>           Regardless, your cheesy-looking race
>>>>           of annoying, unrealistic characters
>>>>           need to ally with our badly acting
>>>>           race of creatures so we can capture
>>>>           this one guy.
>>>>
>>>>                     BOSS NASS
>>>>           One guy?  The climax of this film
>>>>           revolves entirely around us capturing
>>>>           one, pretty insignificant guy?
>>>>           Doesn't that make this whole thing
>>>>           kinda pointless?
>>>>
>>>>                     NATALIE PORTMAN
>>>>           No more pointless than the fact that
>>>>           this entire film revolves around taxes
>>>>           on trade and the cutting off of one,
>>>>           pathetic little planet half-filled
>>>>           with annoying creatures.
>>>>
>>>> They go after the bad guy or whatever.  Who cares?
>>>>
>>>> Finally DARTH MAUL shows up for a prolonged fight
>>>> sequence.  Darth wears black boots, a black cloak, a
>>>> black shirt, has a red lightsaber, wears red and black
>>>> face paint, and has horns.  He is EVIL.
>>>>
>>>> Meanwhile, the Naboo people go after this one
>>>> insignificant guy and we really don't care.
>>>>
>>>> Meanwhile, the Gungans go against a bunch of droids and
>>>> we really don't care except we want the Gungans to die.
>>>>
>>>> Meanwhile, Anakin takes off into space to join the space-
>>>> battle, which is mostly over by the time he arrives.  We

> 

>>>> care a little bit.
>>>>
>>>> INT. SOME KIND OF THINGY WITH SOME RED FORCE FIELDS
>>>>
>>>> MAUL, LIAM, and EWAN all have a huge lightsaber battle
>>>> which has had a lot of effort put into the choreography
>>>> and is thousands of times better than any other
>>>> lightsaber battle in a Star Wars film.
>>>>
>>>>                     AUDIENCE
>>>>           Whoa! This is really cool!
>>>>
>>>> Suddenly, we go back to one of the other three stupid
>>>> battles going on at the time.  Eventually, we return to
>>>> the good one.
>>>>
>>>>                     DARTH MAUL
>>>>              (menacing as hell)
>>>>           Grrr.
>>>>
>>>> Eventually, MAUL stabs LIAM, which is very surprising,
>>>> especially to those of us who bought the film score which
>>>> has a song whose title gives away the ending.  He then
>>>> kicks EWAN into a shaft.  EWAN grabs onto something on
>>>> the side and holds on for dear life.
>>>>
>>>>                     EWAN MCGREGOR
>>>>           Well, you certainly are an experienced
>>>>           fighter and there is little question
>>>>           you could kick pretty much anyone's
>>>>           ass.
>>>>
>>>>                     DARTH MAUL (cont?d)
>>>>           Muahahahaha.
>>>>
>>>> Slowly, EWAN uses the force to grab LIAM'S lightsaber,
>>>> jump up out of the shaft, over MAUL, press the button
>>>> on the saber, and slice MAUL in half while MAUL stands
>>>> there like an idiot and does nothing at all.  He dies.
>>>>
>>>> EXT. SPACE
>>>>
>>>>                     JAKE LLOYD
>>>>           Whoaaaaa!  I'm in space! Now this is
>>>>           pod racing! Yipee!  Uh oh!  Man, I'm
>>>>           so cute.
>>>>
>>>> JAKE goes into a hangar, where the main reactor for the
>>>> ship is kept.  He accidentally blows it to SHIT.
>>>>
>>>>                     JAKE LLOYD (cont?d)
>>>>           Uh oh!  I better leave!  Let's leave
>>>>           Artoo!
>>>>
>>>> They exit quickly.  The ship explodes, which stops all
>>>> the droids and just makes everything great, because it's
>>>> always enjoyable when a serious conflict is resolved with
>>>> a slapstick accident.
>>>>
>>>> EXT. THE STREETS OF NABOO
>>>>
>>>> The Gungans are dancing and such, still alive.  A huge
>>>> party ensues.
>>>>
>>>>                     AUDIENCE
>>>>           Wow!  Watching this party and all this
>>>>           celebration has convinced me that the
>>>>           tiny, pathetic problem that has been
>>>>           taken care of is actually really
>>>>           significant!  Hooray!
>>>>
>>>> Suddenly, the AUDIENCE realizes that behind all the
>>>> mindless celebration and kiddie cartoon bullshit, what
>>>> actually happened was the future-emperor has actually
>>>> manipulated everything, come into great power, and that
>>>> one tiny problem has actually been resolved, but
>>>> thousands more have been created.
>>>>
>>>>                     GEORGE LUCAS
>>>>           Three years, suckers.  I'd make them
>>>>           come out sooner, but I work very hard
>>>>           on my films, as I am an independent
>>>>           filmmaker due to my disgust with
>>>>           Hollywood's commercialism.  Now go buy

> 

>>>>           some Star Wars toys!
>>>>
>>>> END

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A friend of mine sent me this and I had to post it, it is too silly for words......