My Spam Story

Note - Today's post has absolutely nothing to do with life in France.....

Having a very long-standing commercial email address, I get about 300 spam emails per day. Recently, I've been marveling at the growing sophistication of the spam creation software, as it continues to try to insert random sentences and phrases into spam to fool filters into believing it is real email. Fortunately, I use Mailwasher and love it, and it easily filters all my mail to leave me with just what I want.

The best spam subject I ever received was titled "Welcome the Incorruptible Gopher Senate" (Incorruptible Gopher Senate would be a great name for a band...). With all these odd word arrangements, I began to wonder if it would be possible to assemble an entire story out of spam. I began to collect random lines from spam emails into one text file, and then assemble the sentences together. Before long, I had....well..... something....a story created entirely from sentences in spam email, now given life in assembled form like some loathsome Frankenstein creation. Thus, I present:


Baby, kill your envy
(A short story written entirely from spam)

Tuesday appeared alongside senator Mitch McConnell.
He said,”Has your stamina level been down of late? Are you still probing the objective of getting toned? All you need’s here! She wants a better sex. Any med for your girl to be happy! I clearly am, that is why i am gleeful. I lucked upon the undeliverable archaeologist. Be realistic – you always wanted it. Take advantage of this immediately, before it’s null.”

“I also will laugh at your calamity; I will mock when your fear cometh. Visit your aunt, but not every day of the year”

It was exceptional finally having someone to benefit me. I had become of the tribe, and the fitful purple lights were fluttering. The magnitude of this news cannot be overestimated. We had a clue now to the whereabouts of the alien artifact. A clue that was useless until we started looking. But we dallied with chauffeur adhesive, and there was no sign of Kim or the lama.

“They get mutated at the right place, where the flowers are always a-blowing. Pass close to one of their rabbit number. There is always symbolism involved. The boys resist -and the rite of passage helps this resistance. You would not know it, since you are untutored in science. Stand aside, to see the phantoms of those days go by.”, I said, meaning it to be a calm statement but listening to myself in horror. I had too much on my mind to drift off as easily as they did.

“What’s that in your back pocket?” he asked casually. “Just loose it and you’ll be re-born. You will see for yourselves.”
But he knew that it wasn’t lower taxes that reinstate death. He knew that millions upon millions of theory origins need Yet Another Paradigm Shift.

“It’s probably the most valuable thing in the Zone! And who should have it?”, I asked in a weak voice.

Kim lifted up his voice and wept outside the carriage and climbed into his own stall, growling in his beard. “I wish you only peace, oh strangers.”, he muttered. “Don’t miss Potassium Bicarb & Chloride, It’s as fresh as they come and is so tight.”

‘He spoke of these?’, asked the senator, mumbling over the cakes that Kim offered. Of course he knew that much, as he had known all evil since the acetone campground. His eyes filled with tears.

‘Assuredly. Else why should we come?”, said the lama, and They all unloosed their Buddhist invocation - “Up! Feel life spirit! Evil vampire out! Discontinue grasping the postal address!”

The senator had latched onto woman’s waist, but they unloaded it into the market where almost anything could be sold. They could not understand what it was, and ignorance meant fear.

“Blimey, it was lucky you thought of a Buddhist invocation! She’ll worship you for that!”, said George in a low voice. I nodded.
“Do you know what Im talking about?”
“No. But I have read my mythology. Its better that you see the rest. Finish your story, and go."

So - End of story.